Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just want to make out with him forever
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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