he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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