I don't usually arrange sex via text message
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
