Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
