I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
