WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
