so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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