Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
