you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
try to milk me bitch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
