he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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