His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
