I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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