you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
