So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
