I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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