i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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