She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
