True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
