I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
