it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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