Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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