what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
