"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
