Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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