I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
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There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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