as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
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He managed to light the Jello on fire...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
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We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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