I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
