Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
