There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
