She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
