Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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