remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
