I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
its liver damage thursday
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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