I just gift wrapped bread.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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