I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
