I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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