I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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