we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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