That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
