Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So squirting runs in the family.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
