He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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