I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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