So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
