I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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