My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
