You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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