well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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