Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
