I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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