Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
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