dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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