Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
