I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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