It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
