i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
