She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
