Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
