Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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